Can't Breathe Without You
by Elizabeth1985
Summary: Set Post 9x13(ish). Cas shows up where Dean is staying and they haven't seen each other in weeks. Dean pulls his friend into a tight embrace, and for the first time, Cas hugs back. Dean falls into a panic attack; can't breathe or comprehend what is happening to him. Cas comforts him and in a split-second everything changes and Dean learns why he couldn't breathe.


**A/N: I know I shouldn't be starting new things when I have three on-going stories but I have been feeling crappy lately and needed something quick to make me feel better. This was meant to be 5 pages. It ended up being like 20. I hope you enjoy it.**

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A knock on the door pulled Dean's eyes away from the muted TV and he looked around the room with suspicion. Sam wouldn't knock and they weren't expecting anyone.

He clicked off the TV and pulled the gun from under his pillow. He made his way to the door cautiously, staying out of direct shot range.

One look through the peep hole and he placed the gun on the table to the right and opened the door with tangible relief.

Cas looked beat.

"Hello Dean." The sound of the angel's own relief softened his normally rigid greeting. Dean stepped forward and wrapped his arms around his friend. It was so damn good to see him.

Cas, surprisingly, reciprocated and brought his own arms to tightly hold around Dean's waist. The embrace was warm and exactly what he needed. Dean squeezed tighter, resting his chin on Cas' shoulder.

"Missed you, man." He whispered. He reluctantly moved his hands to Cas' shoulders, gripped for a moment and pushed back. The emotion and intimacy of the hug had him clearing his throat and he ambled in a random series of steps until he found himself on the complete other side of the room.

Cas watched him with concern, a deep frown tugging his whole face down.

"Are you okay?" Cas asked, walking all the way over and cornering him by the bathroom door. Dean's eyes shot around the room in a panic and he felt like his lungs were stuck. Christ, it felt like he was having a panic attack!

_Jesus shit... I can't breathe! _

Dean doubled over and threw his head between his knees, gasping for air.

"Dean – what's wrong?!" Cas' voice heightened with worry. A healing hand settled on Dean's back but nothing happened.

"I… can't—" _Oh, fuck me…_ "I can't… breathe!" Dean gasped and his vision started turning grey and spotty, and then black. The edges of his sight closed down into a single point.

And then nothing.

When Dean came to, he was lying on his bed with Cas hovering over him. The angel's face only inches away from his own and the look was what Dean imagined scientists had when they were staring down the tiny eye-hole of a microscope.

"What happened?" Cas asked. His warm breathe blew across Dean's face, causing him to blink repeatedly.

"Umm… I think I had a freakin' panic attack." He choked out, surprised and annoyed by his own weakness. He'd seen enough to know it for what it was, but he couldn't remember ever really having one before. What the hell was wrong with him?

"Has that ever happened before?" Cas questioned, tuning into his thoughts while the angel brought a finger to his forehead. Dean swiped it away.

"Stop it. I'm fine." He grunted and sat up, pushing Cas out of his space. "And _no_. I don't think I've ever had one before."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Dean couldn't maintain their usual staring competition as he normally could. He was twitchy and shaky, his heart beating rapidly; all symptoms he'd get if he had gone days without food.

"Was it me?" Cas asked in a strangely small voice. Dean lifted his head and took in the reluctant posture of his friend—standing there fiddling with his tie and cautiously avoiding Dean's gaze.

"N—" Dean stopped his answer right as he opened his mouth, because honestly, was it Cas? He'd be fine until that hug. G_ood God – What the ever-loving fuck did that mean?!_

"I don't know." He admitted, shrugging in defeat. Something was clearly criss-crossed in his brain.

Cas nodded and came to sit beside him on the bed. Close. Too damn close, he thought. Why was this bothering him? Why did he feel the need to bolt out the door?

"You and Sam are on a case, I gather?" Cas calmly leaned over to rest his elbows on his knees and angled left to face Dean.

"Uh… Yeah. How did you know where we were anyway?" Okay, normal conversation was good. His heart had stopped dancing to techno-beats.

"I asked Sam where you were and he gave me this address." The angel replied in his simple factual method.

"Yeah… Uhm. Some guy had his legs ripped off. Sam is getting the details now from the witnesses. I was supposed to be heading over to the station but I hadn't gotten around to leaving yet."

Cas let the pretense of the conversation drop, his expression foreboding—or so it seemed to Dean. Cas raised his hand towards Dean. Other than a minor flinch, Dean allowed it to rest on his shoulder. His friend squeezed and then stretched the hand across his upper back, rubbing and massaging. And, shit, it felt so good his damn eyes shut.

Sam had been as cold as a meat freezer towards him the last few weeks and the unexpected care and touch of his best friend gave him a sputter of feeling in his chest that felt foreign.

Dean wasn't aware he'd listed to the side until he felt Cas' head settle on top of his own and Dean realized he was resting his cheek on Cas' warm shoulder. Dean wondered if he should explain why he was being so weird, but what the hell was he going to say? _I'm pulling the cling-wrap routine 'cause Sam is being a dick to me?_ That wasn't who he was. Was it? Dean sure as hell hoped it wasn't.

"Stop thinking." Cas chided firmly. Dean blinked hard, his mouth tightening into a line and he marveled at how friggin' much he cherished Castiel, and how well the angel knew him. Dean always took advantage of their friendship and he really needed to do better. Cas was always there for him. Even when the guy made mistakes—his heart was always in the right place. Cas was the only one who never judged him, never questioned whether the things he did were right or wrong. Cas cared for him… unconditionally. Dean really needed to appreciate that more.

"Why are you so good to me?" His voice was barely a whisper but he was sure Cas had heard him. Dean didn't move to see Cas' reaction, he was too embarrassed, dealing with the sudden prickle of feeling behind his own eyes. He gritted his teeth in the hopes it would go away.

Cas was silent for half a minute, and Dean began to wonder if the angel had heard him at all. But what Castiel said next stilled every bodily function he had.

"Because I love you."

Heart. Lungs. Breath. Blood flow. _All of it. _Stopped.

Dean rebooted, so to speak, but when he opened his mouth to pull in a badly needed breath, his throat tightened horribly and… _Here we go again on this goddamn merry-go-round!_ The room spun to the left in a dizzying motion.

_What the fuck!?_ His brained shouted as he wheezed for air. The whole thing was exceedingly inconvenient. _Why am I breaking?_ He wondered stupidly.

Cas enveloped him with both arms and held Dean as he tried to breathe. _Again_! The panic was thankfully less the second time around and that helped. Cas squeezed, tightening his ribs hard, and normally it would've been uncomfortable, but the restriction strangely helped and Dean sagged into it. His face fell further into the nook of Cas' shoulder and he ended up with his nose and mouth smashed against Cas' collar and neck.

Dean could breathe again. Finally. Every one of his senses was bombarded with the angel. The clean outside smell, his warm body next to Dean's, strong arms securing him, the sound of the angel swallowing loud in his ears, and, of course, Dean's vision was restricted to the view of Cas' chest, crotch, and the tops of his thighs. He watched the repeated expansions of Cas' chest, oddly spellbound by the bodily function that, for an angel, was probably unnecessary. _Show-off_, Dean thought.

In a tickling thought, he realized that the only sense left out of the equation was taste. His lungs inflated erratically, threatening to careen him into the land of bye-bye oxygen.

"I don't know how I feel about that statement sending you into a panic." Cas spoke uneasily, interrupting the strange tangle of his thoughts and Dean almost laughed. A weight lifted inside of him and he had a moment of hoping that Sam wouldn't come back anytime soon. What a weird thing to hope, he thought with a low snort to himself.

"Sorry… I … _fuck_. Cas, I don't know what's wrong with me." Dean refused to move, feeling much too settled. _But,_ he was starting to feel creepy. Cas was quietly holding him and he was fucking nuzzling into the guy. This shit wasn't normal.

"Well I have my suspicions but saying it aloud will only make you flee through the door knowing your aversion to what you call the 'touchy-feely crap'." Cas mocked him, but a touch of a hand on the back of Dean's neck destroyed any offense he might have taken.

_Would it be weird if I fell asleep right now?_ Dean thought in a bizarre notion. It was all warm, and soft, and relaxing, and…

_Dude—What the hell are you thinking!?_ He screamed internally.

His eyes split wide at that, because, c'mon now? _That _was some weird shit.

"Is this weird?" Dean blurted in an uncertain tight voice.

"Weird? Not at all. In fact, I find it quite soothing. Rare, however? Yes, I would certainly say this is rare. And, of course by rare I mean never actually having happened before." Cas replied sounding entirely pleased. The words were so rational, as though finding comfort with a friend like this was normal or something. And then, wonder of wonders, Dean clued in. Oh right… cause it was. Normal people _actually _did this.

"Huhn." He pursed his lips in understanding, interest, and mild intrigue. Light-bulb City, idiot. Hugs feel good, dumbass.

Okay, objectively, _that_ he did know, but this wasn't a hug. Hugs had a time limit. Hugs also didn't feel quite this good normally.

"You know this isn't normal, right?" Dean peered up to see his friend but all he got was chin and stubble, and the bob of Cas' Adam's apple as he swallowed.

"I'm aware." Was the only answer Dean got.

"And?"

"And what, Dean?" Cas was annoyed with him now, pulling on Dean's hair. An _'Ow!_' of protest jumped out of his mouth but Cas kept yanking until Dean was forced to lift his head and meet the angel's eyes. With grudging reluctance of course.

"And…" Dean shrugged. _I don't know._

Cas sighed dramatically and rolled his eyes with such intensity it was a wonder they didn't round on themselves and slide up from the bottom.

"Sometimes you infuriate me." Cas glared at him and grabbed Dean roughly by the shoulders.

"Dean, how long have we known each other?" Castiel asked, the tight clip of his voice prickled with impatience.

"Umm… years." Dean replied.

"Exactly." Cas stared at him and waited. The burn in his blue eyes was searing right though Dean and his brain scrambled to put together a coherent thought. He was vaguely aware Cas expected him to say something. Hell, it looked like Cas was waiting for the epiphany of epiphany's!

Time held stagnant under the angel's hard glare and everything became hyper 3D, Blu-Ray clear. The digging grip of Cas' hands on his shoulders, the HD vision of Cas' face: Every chapped line on his lips, every curve near his eyes, every fucking lash. Dean's heart hammered so friggin' hard he pictured it bursting through his chest any moment in a bloody freakshow. And then his vision slipped.

His eyes fell to Cas' lips and he stared in a perverse sort of fascination. They parted slightly and Cas let him watch. Dean's green eyes dropped lower; chest, stomach, thighs.

Dean felt himself harden with each passing second; blood rushing like a fire-hose straight into his dick and …

"Oh!" The sudden exclamation tripped out of his mouth. Somewhere Dean knew this shouldn't be a surprise. There had been clues. God, so many clues, and he thought about every one of them and remembered brushing them off as something else, feigning innocence to himself. Denial, terror maybe? "D" All of the above?

He'd been so damn stupid. A dream shoved off as his brain's weird-ass reaction to not having gotten laid in months. A misbehaving erection explained away cause he'd been sitting awkwardly. A too-long stare because Cas was something other, and every now and then it was okay for Dean to be captivated by him.

He swallowed, his body wanted one thing immediately. It was thrilled at Dean's personal admission. His dick was practically leaping and overjoyed, jerking lightly every so often in his pants and he was pretty sure Cas could tell.

Speaking of, the angel merely sat there, letting Dean come to terms with… his… _feelings_.

"I'm an asshole!" He shrieked suddenly, springing off the bed to stand. So pissed at himself for being so fucking stupid.

"You're not an asshole, you just ignored it." Cas defended him, as always, and that only pissed Dean off more.

"Don't do that." He argued. "Don't defend me. You always just accept all the shit I do wrong. Even to you!" He threw his arms up in a fluster.

"What the hell, Cas?" Dean rubbed hard at his face. When he dropped his hands, Cas was standing in front of him. Very, very close.

"I'm past the point of wanting to talk about it." Cas stated and the look he gave Dean was absolute. Consuming and utterly arousing. Looking down, Dean wasn't surprised to see a spot of wetness had showed up on his jeans. Poor guy in there was weeping with enthusiasm.

"So..." He coughed into his hand. "Uhh… what _do_ you want to do about it?" Dean knew what asking that question meant. He felt like a masochist.

"You, Dean. I want to do you." Cas took charge and hands settled on Dean's waist. The angel took that single step to bring them flush from chests-to-knees, brushing their cheeks together as he skimmed down Dean's neck and licked him…

_Fuuuckkk!_

"Umm… Oh, crap… umm… I… oh, fuck." Dean blabbered as Cas really got into marking his skin with wet, open-mouth kisses. It was all so fast—too fast—that his brain hadn't caught up yet. But his cock, jutting out between them, was hella on board.

Cas sighed over the moist trail from his mouth and it gave Dean a rolling shiver. "Dean, I love you. And I know this isn't a surprise to you." The kissing resumed... "And though I know you won't say it, I know you feel the same way." More kissing, and an acid drip into his stomach 'cause that stung. It was true, but it hurt all the same. Dean swallowed that painful lump down.

Cas was licking up the front of his neck now in slow patterns; a wet tongue glazing up over his stubble and Adam's apple. It was fucking glorious how good it felt.

That deep, familiar voice continued, almost soothing. "We've never really been physically close before." Cas nipped at his jaw, and Dean blinked back a wave of arousal. _Mmm_... _friggin… yes…_

"And I think…," Cas pressed a chaste kiss on the cheek, "_that_ was why you panicked." The world righted itself as Cas' blue eyes met his in a daze.

Dean could see everything in that one look. The desperate need for more, the restraint built over the years, and the open acceptance of everything that Dean was. All rolled up into a perfect angel package.

Cas was right. That initial hug had been the only real, lingering physical contact they'd really ever had, and it shot something off inside his heart and for the first time Dean couldn't brush it off, couldn't ignore it the way he maybe once would've been able to.

Dean felt his eyes simmer with heat, his mouth filled with saliva, and he swallowed thick. He brought his hand up slowly to frame the side of Cas' face, and instant relief flooded into the angel's expression and Dean felt every weight on him snap free. All the carefully built walls and anchors were breaking and he could move again. He could breath, he could move, he could do… _anything_.

His other hand came up and he braced the Castiel's face for his impact, dropping his lips in sheer desperation, consuming the warm taste of Cas' soft, lightly parted lips. The angel gasped as Dean closed his mouth over fully and it was so damn perfect. He pushed his tongue inside and groaned deep in his throat, sagging like a man getting the first touch of water after days trapped in a desert. His weight would have slid to the floor if Cas hadn't wound his arms around Dean's body and pulled him in tight. Dean tripped and fell forward in his pathetic attempt to get closer, tighter—basically trying to wrap himself around the only person—angel or not—that had ever managed to scramble his brain.

They tumbled against the nightstand between the beds, Cas falling back onto it and Dean wasn't about to let that stop him. _Nope._ He just crowded right over and kept a hard grip on Cas with an unstoppable, fervent flurry of sucking and tasting and hormonally jabbing his tongue into the angel's mouth like a damned teenager. He would curse himself later for throwing any skills out the window.

But, c'mon, Dean could hardly think, barely stand! Using any amount of skill in the best kiss of his life was impossible. It was with _sensible_ desperation that he managed not to bite.

Cas was moaning in a rough tickle of sound between them and it rumbled against Dean's chest. He humped his hips forward at an awkward angle with Cas still splayed across the furniture, and managed to rub himself partly against the angel's thigh, and partly against the nightstand… which did not feel good at all. Kinda hurt actually but he didn't care.

Dean tried to resist when he felt Cas pushing against him, a groaning whine flooded the angel's mouth. Dean unhappily found himself panting like a racehorse over Cas, whose arms were up on the front of Dean's shoulders, holding him at bay.

"Dean…" Cas breathed heavy and blinked, his face flushed from Dean's attack. Cas opened his mouth to speak again but it didn't look as though he could. He gave up and used the hands braced on Dean's shoulders to toss him onto the bed with a low, purely sexual noise.

Cas was on him just as his back hit the mattress. A knee forcefully shoved Dean's leg up on one side.

"—oly fuck'mm!" Gibberish was all Dean was capable of as Cas dropped in mid-thrust over Dean's spread legs and the action brought their erections riding against each other. Dean's head pushed back into the edge of the pillow and his hands flew up to grip and pull at Cas' hair.

"So fucking weird… _awesome_… but weird!" He rambled as Cas meandered all over him, practically everywhere at the same time.

Castiel fucked against him through their clothes and it felt so good at first, but the friction quickly became chaffing.

"Off." Cas looked perplexed by the command, rearing up and looking down at him with worry.

"Not you! Clothes… fuck Cas clothes!" Dean yelled and they started ripping through the layers. Occasionally helping the other who got tangled, or taking over for themselves out of impatience.

Clothes went flying everywhere and Dean was pretty sure they both still had their socks on, but Cas flopped onto his body in a flush movement, totally bare in all the right places, and Dean wouldn't have given two shits if he'd been wearing fucking stiletto's!

"OH _my_ GOD!" He exclaimed as Cas' dick slid against his and he rutted up into Cas' hips in crazy need. Friction… _goddamn_. More friction…

"What…" Cas breathed in a loud gasp, licking at his throat, "do… you…" teeth biting lightly followed by a hard suck caused Dean's nipples to pull tight, "_want_?" That final word was growled out and accentuated by a rough grind that had Dean clawing at Cas' back.

Dean torqued Cas' head to get access to his throat, wanting to taste him. Taste every inch of his skin. Would the skin of his neck taste different than the soft skin of his cock? _Oh jesus fuck, I'm wondering what his cock tastes like? Bet it tastes friggin' delicious, _Dean thought, picturing himself going down on his knees.

"Dean." The name was moaned into his ear and Dean remembered that he was supposed to be answering something.

He hummed and spread open-mouthed kisses over every warm stretch of skin his mouth could get to.

"Was that noise supposed to be an answer?" Cas grunted the words as he continued to grind against him, skin on skin, cocks rubbing side-by-side. Sweat slicked up all over him in a flush. And shit, if the room hadn't gotten ten degrees warmer.

"I don't c—ahhh! ca_r_e." Dean's voice faltered from Cas biting hard into the base of his neck. His body jolted in a violent shiver of pleasure.

"Ohhh Christ, do that again." Cas obliged and Dean shivered again, humming in delight.

"Don't call me Christ." The angel reprimanded him, humping and biting in the same brain-smashing motion.

"Huh, what?" Dean sputtered, not really aware of what the fuck they were even talking about. How were they even having a damn conversation? This was the weirdest, albeit hottest, experience of his life.

"Just say my name." The words, unbeknownst to Cas, came across as a dirty command in Dean's ears and he sported the first sly grin of the evening. First of the evening? He repeated to himself curiously. What time was it?Would there be seconds? _Whatever_. Who the fuck cares…

Dean reached down with bold firm hands and grabbed onto Cas' ass and gripped tight, crashing their cocks together as hard as he could, "Ughh… C_aasss_!" He slewed out with a ragged moan as the ache of the hard touch shot straight up his shaft and it pulsed with his heartbeat.

"Let's fuck." He blurted, horny and desperate. "Like now. Like whatever way you want." He flailed his arms and hands around and Cas laughed, gazing down at him.

Dean laughed too and the sensation felt strange and foreign. Everything stuttered to a halt in a odd moment of recognition for what was actually happing.

"Any reservations?" Cas asked with a grin, looking much too calm for Dean's liking. Dean wanted him to be a sweaty, screaming, incoherent mess of skin and warmth all there for the taking.

"None whatsoever." Dean was sure. His heart, his body, his dick, his brain, and his friggin' curling toes were all in this. He wasn't naive, he'd probably freak the fuck out later because he knew he was the worst case of bad luck this world had, but Cas loved him—had _always_ loved him. And Dean … Dean, fuck…

_I love you too…._ He knew Cas couldn't hear him but he badly hoped Cas could see it in his eyes.

The urgency that had characterized that last fifteen minutes settled into something else. Something more comfortable but still soaked with anticipation—except now it was heady and matured like an aged whiskey. Cas held his stare as he lowered down, eyes growing dark as the inches diminished between them. Cas parted Dean's mouth with his own lips, warm breath passing between them. The angel blinked slowly once as he eased his tongue gradually into Dean's mouth. The movement was downright sinful and Dean wondered if Cas knew how good he was.

Castiel started rocking them slowly on the bed, kissing in languid drops of his tongue – sliding and wet in his mouth. Dean felt his ass clench and the sensation was unmistakable want. _Huh? Well… Okay._

"I want you… I guess." Dean uttered between kisses, breathing the words into Cas' mouth.

Cas moaned long and loud, the timbre of sound was practically sex on a plate, sprinkled with more sex. And Dean automatically spread his legs in response and opened his mouth wider.

_Geez, aren't I easy?_

"Umm... Dean?" Cas said pulling back from him, eyes closed in pleasure still.

"Yeah?"

Cas opened his eyes and looked at him expectantly. "What?" Dean asked, impatient.

As a response, Cas nudged the blunt head of himself against Dean's hole and the dry pressure felt weirdly fantastic.

But point proven. "Right... ahh—grab my bag." Cas moved to get off and Dean sat up and threw his arms around Cas' neck, kissing him mindlessly. Not really satisfied, but it would have to do, he fell back onto the bed with a _thump_, all the air rushing out from behind him. Castiel rubbed Dean's thighs, eyes hungry and roaming across his body. The blue stare fixated at his groin and Dean couldn't help but smile. He watched as Cas timidly brought his hand closer and when the warm weight enclosed him, he almost came right then and there; his cock twitching threateningly.

Cas was fascinated and started stroking slow and tight. Perfect pressure. It was too good. Way too good, so Dean internally ran through the Pledge of Allegiance in his head, only to be reminded that he didn't know more than the first sentence or two and he was back to square one and ready to blow his load prematurely.

"Ok get the stuff…" He signalled with one last thrust into the hand before it was gone and he sagged back onto the bed, taking deep breaths to calm himself.

Cas rummaged through the bag and pulled out a small tub of Vaseline, turning it around in his hands curiously. "Why do you have this?" Cas asked walking back over to the bed. But Dean didn't answer, instead mesmerized by the sight of all that skin and erect cock bouncing out in front of him as he moved.

"Hmm… what? You say something?" Dean said licking his lips and openly ogling.

"You're surprisingly rapacious." Cas studied him and shook the tub in his face.

"Oh, right. Sam and I hunted a Wendigo a while back and he burned me by accident." Dean tried to see everything at the same time as Cas got back onto the bed with his knees, angling up right into the V of Dean's open body.

Cas placed the jar off to the side but still on the bed. He placed his hands on Dean's thighs, long fingers rubbing into the muscle and Cas' mouth dropped over Dean's stomach, the angel's back arching beautifully in front of him.

A wet kiss seared the warm skin of his abdomen, the motel air cooling the trail of saliva as Cas moved onto new territory. Dean watched, entranced as the dark mess of hair moved around his body and tasted it.

Dean reached down and cradled his face, rubbed his ear, and spread his fingers into the messy crop of hair. His other hand joined the party and Dean continued to caress his angel.

_Powers or not, babe, you're mine. Absolutely mine. Always have been._

Dean pulled up to stop Cas' hot mouth and the angel slid up his body and landed into a kiss. The two of them tangled; arms, fingers, and legs. Dean lost himself, moaning and breathing harder as he imagined what it would feel like to have Cas inside of him. Moving and thrusting literally inside his body. He ached for it, wanting to feel it deep.

"You know I do, right?" He said suddenly, slipping away from Cas' mouth in a slick slide of lips.

Cas' features softened, those blue eyes glazing over in happiness. And the worst part was that Dean hadn't even actually said the words. Coward that he was.

Cas brushed a damp palm from his forehead and back, as though pushing away errant hair. He kissed Dean in a sweet touch of lips. "I know."

Cas kissed him slow and lazy, the subtle jerking of his body an indicator that Cas was using one hand to reach out and get the jar, get the lid off, and get some on his fingers. Dean didn't bother helping, he was enjoying the kiss way too much.

Cas shifted his weight to one side, supporting himself with an elbow and pulled Dean's hair lightly to get his attention. Dean nodded and he felt Cas move a hand between his legs. Dean had a brief moment of panic, like the kind experienced right before someone's about to dunk you under the water before you've managed to take a breath. Like you're not sure you'll make it out alive. But then Cas' finger teased him first, grazing over that sensitive spot. Nothing too crazy.

Just a light, slippery sweep of the pad of his finger over Dean's hole. Rubbing and then moderate pushing. The slickness getting all over the damn place. Blankets were going to be ruined, Dean thought erratically. Cas pressed in with the tip of his finger and Dean fixed his eyes on Cas' face, reading him. Castiel was gazing down, his eyelashes fluttering against the top of his cheek as he blinked at the sight of his finger sinking and disappearing inside of Dean.

Dean's brained fogged over as Cas started fingering him. _Wow. That was awesome… _A second finger and Dean abruptly sat up, gripped Cas' shoulders for a second before falling back down. "No, keep going, I'm good… just umm… ah_hhhh_…." His sentence was deserted when Cas began scissoring his fingers. Dean may have cursed or said potato—he had no idea.

"Fuuuckk…" He trembled as Cas tucked in a third and it was fucking hot and hypnotic all at the same time. There was subtle twinge of discomfort each time Cas pulled back but then a surge of wanton pleasure every time those fingers ploughed forward and Dean envied women in that moment. He never knew it could be like this.

"I want to feel you…" He whispered the words, his voice unsteady; the desperation in it was a shock to him. "God, Cas, I need to feel you inside me."

Cas blew out a breath in nervous jitters and slipped his fingers out slowly, taking a moment to slick himself up. Cas' movements seemed to drag in slow motion and everything became so loud, it seemed, as the angel settled on top of Dean. Knees were pushed back towards his shoulders, his heart thundered erratically in his chest, and Cas pressed their foreheads together as he shifted his hips until he was lined up. The head of Castiel's cock felt wet, blunt, and very hot against him and Dean tensed with sudden alarm. The first push and Dean sucked back air in a hiss through his teeth, angling his head back.

Cas had always overwhelmed him, even in the very beginning, and now Dean was about to be consumed by everything Castiel. Dean was okay with that. If only a little terrified.

Cas stared right in his eyes as he slid deeper, stretching him and Dean wanted to cry from how good it felt. Not only the physicality of it—which of course was mind-numbingly awesome—but the pure, basic awareness of Cas slotting himself inside Dean's body was very nearly too much too handle in that moment.

"Nothing has ever felt this good for me." Dean voiced honestly as Cas shuddered on top of him, inside, finally getting as deep as he could go. The connection between them was hot and tight.

Distracting…

"I haven't even touched you." Cas chuckled, the light flutter of his breath filtering into Dean's mouth.

"I know. Crazy, right?" Dean smiled in amazement, and then dazed completely as Cas pulled out to the tip and moved forward for the first time.

"It's because you love me…." Cas whispered in kisses against his ear.

"Hmmm…. Yeah." _I do._

"Let me show you how much I love you." Cas' words would have been insurmountably corny if not for the delicious drag of his cock starting to ride back and forth inside, drawing a ragged moan out of him, and then a distorted murmur that turned into a helpless whimper.

Dean held on around Cas' body, wrapping his legs around Cas' hips, ankles crossed, heels pressing into the meat of his ass. With Dean secured tight to him, Castiel braced himself on one elbow and one arm and lost himself in a mindless, erratic rhythm. Oblivious to everything else, Dean drowned in the sensation of that thick pressure, stroking him; the movements so untamed that it left him quivering, his legs shaking with every full thrust, feeling his ass thump hard against Cas' hips and thighs. He liked it deep, he realized, it felt so… complete. It became so intense that his teeth began to chatter.

When Cas started angling in such a way that it hit that ultra-sensitive spot, Dean cried out and had to grip the headboard to hold on. No idea why he needed to hold on, it wasn't like he was going anywhere. But Cas' thrusts got harder and it started pushing them both up on the bed. Dean pushed back against the wooden headboard and used his legs as leverage to thrust up, meeting the force of the angel's uninhibited thrusts.

"Deannn!" Cas called out, throwing his head back. His chin came down again and his stare burned over Dean, a low growl as he brought one hand onto Dean's shoulder and used the grip to wrench Dean's body down onto himself over and over again. Dean felt feverish, bordering delirium as Cas continued to fuck into him with insatiable hunger. The ache built up to a near painful throb and Dean knew he was close—seconds away from spilling over the edge.

"Cas, babe… touch me!" He was so close. "God, please touch me." He needed to feel Cas on him, in him, everywhere as he let go.

Cas released his shoulder, shifted his weight and brushed his knuckles lightly over Dean's cock before wrapping his fingers around in a firm grip.

OH, _fuck_, so good. _So good!_

"Ahhh-_hh!_" Dean stumbled out a heaving breath and his body pulled tight and he felt himself clamp down around Cas' dick. _Oh jesus,_ that cock felt hard as iron inside him, hot and wide, and Dean never expected how fucking breathtaking it would be.

They both strained with their impending orgasm, Cas' movements stilled and his body strained in a rigid arch, his face contorted into a pained expression—so close to the peak. Dean had never seen anything that hot before, those thick wet lips parting open, eyes cinching shut, lean muscles bunching hard under his skin. Dark hair, sweaty, and sticking out all over the place.

Dean's orgasm slammed into him with forceful surprise; it ripped through his entire system in violent shockwaves so hard and fierce that he was only vaguely aware of Cas starting to come inside of him.

His eyes fluttered repeatedly, his body taut and jerking with each spurt of release that shot out of him with enough strength that he felt some hit his neck and cheek.

He rode out the waves of dopey pleasure, squeezing around Cas' pulsing cock as each shudder swelled through his groin. The surges rippling through Dean got farther and farther apart as he came back down from the hardest orgasm he'd ever had. He's pretty certain he'd screamed because his throat was raw and dry, but he couldn't—for the life of him—remember uttering a single noise.

He eased out of the abyss of gratification and focused on Castiel above him, who was peering down at Dean with heavy-lidded eyes and a goofy grin. The angel was stoned on sex hormones and it was the most adorable sight Dean had ever seen.

He saw it coming as Cas started tumbling forward and he opened his mouth to protest, but it was too late and the heavy weight crashed onto him.

"Ugghh…" _Groosss_. Cas' collapsing on him had squiged all the come between them in a messy, sticky spread. Not to mention the layer of sweat plastered on their chests.

Cas had slipped out and Dean could feel the angel's release seeping out of him and it was not exactly a pleasant feeling but he was more bothered by what he felt on his stomach, chest, and neck. Basically everywhere, he thought, scrunching his nose.

"Cas we need to shower. _Bad._" He shook his body to get Cas' attention but all he got back was a lazy murmur of noise.

"Babe… this is gross." He said impatiently.

"Hmm… I like that. '_Babe'_." Cas' voice was muffled into the pillow near his head and Dean heard him huff a contented sigh and he turned to face Dean's neck.

"Well that's all you're getting, I don't do any other pet names." Dean explained, trailing fingers down Cas' spine, amazed he'd even started calling Cas babe in the first place. It had sorta slipped out, but it felt right. Like it fit.

Cas murmured happy, simple noises and started licking his neck… No wait… Cas was definitely licking him clean.

"You're disgusting." Dean said with an amused smirk. Cas bit him in playful response.

"Ow!" Cas laughed and then pushed up and off him with his arms. He looked wobbly as he lifted his knees to drop them in a straddle on either side of Dean.

"Whoa!" Cas' eyes rolled around in a dizzy motion.

"Sex is drugs, man. Never forget that." Dean smiled, rubbing his fingers around Cas' knees digging into the bed near his hips.

Cas nodded off-kilter in agreement and leaned over to lick the come on his stomach. Dean smiled and shook his head, not sure whether he thought it was weird or enjoyable. Girls just didn't do that. Sure, some swallowed, but none of them had ever lapped up after.

Cas lifted his head and gave him a downright naughty grin as he stretched his pink tongue out to dip into Dean's navel and get more.

"Oh God, you're weird. I, _maybe,_ kinda like it though." Dean's words were emphasized by the subtle twitch of his semi-erection.

Dean lightly humped up against Cas' body in an impatient action, "Shower!" he whined. Cas smiled and finally crawled off of him.

It took longer than it should have to get into the bathroom. They stopped along the way to touch each other in soft brushes of fingers, sometimes teasing and exploratory.

When Dean bent forward to turn the dials, Cas came up behind him, positioning his partial hard-on right between Dean's ass cheeks causing him to phase-out, accidentally cranking the hot water and burning his hand that had been under the flow. "_Jesus_! Don't distract me" He scolded and Cas only laughed and, no-fucking-shit, _slapped_ his ass.

Dean stilled and his eyes flew open wide because that was the most unexpected thing to happen so far tonight. Including the sex. _And_ the _LOVE_ talk, and all that other crap.

"Did you just slap my ass?" Dean asked incredulously.

Cas did it again, a sharp quick sound bounced off the tiled walls, and Dean felt the hot tingle of his hand like it was still there.

"Uhh…" His cock was now hard and touching the shower curtain, having gained another two inches in the span of ten seconds.

"Get in the shower, Dean." Cas demanded, pulling the curtain and pushing him over the edge of the tub into the small space. Dean immediately rubbed the water over him and got rid of most of the stickiness. He reached for the soap as Cas reached for him and things got slippery.

Dean tried to wash himself but Cas kept sliding soapy hands and fingers all over him and it was crazy distracting.

"I think you washed there already." Cas teased and Dean glared at him.

"Think you're so good, huh?" Dean challenged, his normal confidence returning with obvious purpose. He put the soap on it's ledge and crowded into Cas' space, getting nice and close.

Cas quirked his eyebrows in a smug gesture and Dean had enough of that. He manhandled Castiel into switching places, putting Cas facing the wall with the controls, his head dipped under the hot spray of water and Dean behind him.

Looking over the expanse of skin, Dean ran a wet hand over Cas' back. The angel looked at him over his shoulder – a teasing _almost_ smile – and Dean leaned forward and started kissing his back, the skin wet and dripping into his mouth. He could taste the warm shower water and the subtle briny flavour of Cas' skin underneath. He licked and sucked down Cas' spine while holding onto the outside of his hips.

Cas had his head hinged forward, swaying from the base of his neck, the water pounding over the dark hair making it look sharply black and shiny.

The water fell in large rivulets down his back, and Dean would occasionally get a mouthful of water but he didn't care.

He was almost squatted now behind Cas, and dipped his tongue into the top crease between his cheeks at the very base of his spine. Cas trembled slightly from the touch. One hand palmed over and then under his ass, slipping between Cas' legs. Dean tugged and fondled Cas' sac, feeling it tighten and move under his touch.

Dean peered around, as he brought his other hand up to the front to take hold of the rigid cock that he now felt quite possessive over. The sight up from his vantage point was porno-hot. Cas had one hand braced on the wet blue tiles, the other was slotting wetly through his own hair, and the water ran over his head and poured from his face. Those beautiful features all twisted in pleasure, mouth hanging open as the water slipped in a stream from his bottom lip.

Cas' lip trembled when Dean fisted and circled around Cas' thick, blood-filled head. It was straining and hard and felt good in Dean's rough hand – the skin so hot and soft to the touch.

Dean stroked in light movements, focusing on the head, letting a finger drag along the crease and slide down the underside to give a quick tug before sliding back up, the water making his movements glide with little effort.

Dean wanted to watch Castiel lose control, tear him apart at the seams and wither into a gooey mess of sated pleasure. Much the way Castiel had done to him not thirty minutes ago. Dean wet a finger with his mouth and slid it between the smooth cheeks of Cas' ass. He kept a steady pace in front and started teasing from the back, slipping a wet finger lightly over his hole, and he could tell Cas was tensing up, waiting for that pleasurable first dip, so Dean started kissing and lightly biting one ass cheek in an effort to distract, earning a thick moan that echoed in the confines of the shower.

The water pounded down around them, occasionally rushing over his ears and drowning out the details of sound.

Without warning, Dean pushed his finger in and Cas' right knee buckled but he recovered quick, a low groan falling out of his mouth, and a breathy, "_Dean_," spoken through heavy lust.

Cas clutched at the wall with one hand and tugged at his own soaking black hair with the other. Dean increased his tempo getting lost in the picture of it all and soon his finger and his fist were moving in counter thrusts. Everything was wet and muffled, the steam a thick wall around them. Cas' voice got louder and louder; his moans stopped being separate singular sounds and instead an endless stream of keening breath, deep throaty noises, or sharp hisses as he sucked in the humid air.

Dean gently added a second finger; water ran over his eyes as he cringed, hoping it didn't hurt, hoping that Cas liked it. His fears vanished when Cas bucked back onto his hand with a hot grunt and Dean stood up lithely to better hold Cas in place as he brought him all the way to release.

Dean positioned himself at Castiel's back, his head turned at the perfect angle to see almost everything. One hand in front stroking, tighter and faster as Cas' hips rocked in motion. Dean's right hand low down in front of himself, fingering two fingers into Cas' ass. The water slipped down between the crevice making the most obscene noises but God if it didn't turn Dean on so bad he ached for friction to the point of severe discomfort but he ignored it because watching Cas come apart for him was the single, most important thing in the world right now.

Dean relaxed his movements to a frustrating, lingering pace and Cas whimpered in ache, saying please please please, over and over again, but Dean wanted to ride him out like this, knowing what it would feel like to explode after being denied release, or brought to the brink so many times you gave up dignity and begged. Dean curved his fingers inside, pressing into the velvet walls and sensitive areas, sinfully feeling him up as he stroked in feather light touches over the head of Cas' rigid cock, dripping with precum and ready to burst by the looks of it.

He pulled his fingers almost all the way out, leaving only the tips wriggling inside and removed his hand from Cas' dick with the exception of one finger sliding against the slit. Cas' body jerked, straightening into a hard line, an endless plane of hard, flickering muscles, every one of them shaking. When Cas' lip trembled and the plea the rippled out was breathtakingly desperate, Dean decided to let him have it. His hand closing around in a tight, slow drag down over Cas' shaft, while his two fingers split wide and plunged inside and twisted. No break, and no pause, Dean pumped his fist fast and let his fingers dominate that hot space.

Cas' hand slipped from the shower wall and he careened forward, falling against the tiles, yelling incoherent words and shaking as he came fitful shudders. White creamy strands of come hit the tile and ran down the blue. Dean grinned pridefully.

He continued to ride Castiel out, his movements slowing down into feather-light strokes, teasing his rim, pressing kisses into his shoulder. Cas' orgasm settled and all at once he straightened and immediately crashed backwards onto Dean's chest, who had to scramble to rearrange his hands and arms around Cas' body so the angel wouldn't fold into a heap at the bottom of the tub.

"Feel good?" Dean asked with light laughter, kissing Cas' neck at the base, the angel's head fallen off to the side. Cas grumbled a moan as a response and Dean chuckled at his incoherence.

It was _exactly_ the reaction he'd been hoping for.

Dean continued to lay open-mouthed kisses over the wet flushed skin at the base of his neck, up the side, and right behind his ear.

"I love you." He whispered so low there was barely any sound at all. It was more just the movement of his lips but he felt Cas shiver and the angel's chest paused mid-breath.

Castiel turned around in Dean's arms, now fully lucid, and grabbed the sides of Dean's face and stared at him.

There were tears in Cas' eyes and it pulled tight at something inside of him. Pain and tension spread through his chest at the shock and passion on Cas' features. It looked more than anything as though Dean had just given Cas the most amazing, unexpected Christmas gift. The look felt ill-deserved.

Normal people, especially men, were visibly uncomfortable when they cried – Dean included – but Cas let a couple tears roll down over his cheeks and his expression was one of ease and unbridled happiness. It was the sort of thing you're brain never forgot – a sight like that. So pure and intense. So honest. The meaning behind it so profound that it would stick with you until the day you died. Dean realized it would probably be the last thing that passed through his thoughts before he bit the dust.

Cas pulled them together and kissed Dean slow, his movements smooth like liquid as he licked into Dean's mouth with a low humming that reminded Dean of happy cats.

Unfortunately, the water turned cold and Cas eased back, then returned for a quick brush of lips, then another. Until finally, the water was impossible to ignore as it became bracingly frigid.

Dean sighed heavy, not wanting to leave this moment. Terrified that moving away, even an inch, would crush it into oblivion and it would be lost to him.

He stood still as Cas moved around him to get out of the shower. Dean was frozen in a stare, his mind whirling in thoughts and memories. Cas slid a damp hand into his wet one and pulled, tearing him away from his reverie and he turned to see Cas holding a towel around his hips, watching Dean in a deep curiosity – looking right down into him. Reading him and every feeling he had. Dean was a raw wound, open and waiting to bleed out. Cas would be the death of him, he knew it right then and there. The love went too deep for him and it would wreck him. They'd both fall in the end.

Cas managed to pull him over the edge of the tub and Dean stood sedately on the scruffy blue bath mat while Cas rubbed a warm white towel over him – deciding to ignore Dean's sudden apathy.

Cas swathed the towel around his lower body and tucked the corner near his right hip. The angel pushed his fingers into the front of the towel, his short nails scraping into the denser hair near Dean's groin. Cas tugged forward and Dean stumbled after him, Cas walking backwards through the door and over to the bed.

Cas drew the rumpled cover down and noticed a smudge of wetness from where he'd pulled out. He removed his own towel and laid it over the soiled spot.

Gloriously naked, Cas came back to him, Dean watched with vacant detachment letting Cas lead him into bed, pulling off the towel and tossing it somewhere. The blankets came up over him and all he could smell was sweat and sex, a thick aromatic mix of the salty and the sweet.

Cas crawled in beside him on the far side of the bed and settled on his side, looking at Dean. Cas' right hand came up to brush the side of his cheek, threading long fingers into his damp hair.

Dean shuffled closer, the movement making Cas' eyes widen slightly, as though Dean were coming back to life. And in some ways he was.

He stopped with their faces pressed together and stared into those infinite blue eyes.

"I'll lose you." He whispered in a scared, childish voice, feeling his heard pound all over again. Cas' eyes fell closed and his mouth pinched in pain as he took in the sight of Dean falling apart.

"Then I will find you." Cas answered, kissing him as he ended the sentence and Dean breathed a sigh of relief at the touch. Warmth flooded through him, Cas' touch grounding him back into the moment.

"I'm sorry I'm freaking out." Dean said, shifting away so he could more easily slide his hands up and down Cas' damp naked body under the covers.

"Don't be sorry, this is all going so much better than I would've ever dared to hope." Cas reached around him to bring their bodies closer and the warmth of it dampened his skin and Dean pushed their faces together, not in a kiss, but more of a nuzzle in a pathetic attempt to have as much of their skin touching as possible.

After twenty minutes of active, intense cuddling; light tongues and worshipful kisses, Dean told Cas to turn around.

Cas gave Dean an apprehensive squint but indulged him.

Dean moulded his body to Castiel's shape, his chest against Cas' back. He shoved his right arm under Cas' neck like a pillow, and bringing his other hand down to handle himself into a comfortable position – which just happened to be with his dick nicely between Cas' ass cheeks. He grinned against Cas' back. He wasn't even hard anymore, it just felt so good. He suddenly remembered that he'd never actually finished in the shower and he didn't even care.

Dean slid his top leg between Cas'; their knees bumping together. Then he wrapped his free arm around Cas middle, bringing his hand up to place it over Cas' heart. A hand settled on his, their fingers slotting together.

Now perfectly settled, Dean realized the damn light was still on and he tensed as he was about to turn over and smash it into next week. But then it shut off all by itself. Or well, with angel assistance.

"Thanks." Dean breathed into Cas' hair and it moved and tickled his mouth but he pressed down and kissed the crown of his head.

The darkness made the quiet seem even more quiet and the warmth of Cas' skin against him was a touch he'd never realized he'd needed so bad.

Dean fell asleep in a peaceful slide into unconsciousness.

/\

When Sam got back late that night from having taken hours to track down all three witnesses around town, he was surprised that the first thing he saw was Dean's naked back facing him.

Dean never slept without a shirt, or at least, very, _very_ rarely.

The second thing Sam noticed was the smell of the motel room. It was heavy with the smell of sex. Having shared many rooms with Dean, Sam was disgustingly familiar with that aroma.

He stared at Dean sleeping and shock spread into his features, his eyes squinting into the darkness because he honestly could not remember the last time Dean had gotten laid. Or even wanted to.

Sam tiptoed across the room, suspicion creeping into his limbs with every breath and every step he took; feeling discarded rumples of clothes every now and then. He was terrified of stepping on a button or an upturned belt and getting jabbed in the foot.

As he got to the end of his own bed, he first saw the swath of black below Dean's face. _Okay_, thought Sam.

Someone was definitely _still_ here. That was unexpected.

Sam crept forward, trying not to bump into anything in the process, and when he finally stopped staring at his own feet he brought his head up, now at the end of the far corner of Dean's bed, and the gasp that almost flew out of his mouth was slammed back in with both his hands.

His eyes were shot so wide, it strained his eyelid muscles.

_Cas! __Ho—ly… Shit!_

Angel of fucking Thursday, naked shoulders and arms visible at the top of the blanket, was nestled in a curve against Dean's chest. They both looked calm, all tangled together and the bumps in the sheets told him that Dean had draped a leg over the top of Cas' lower half.

Sam had _never_ in his life seen Dean wrapped around someone like that. It made his heart tense up seeing his brother like that.

Sam stared at the two far longer than he should have, but the sight made him happy in a peculiar way. It was like that old movie, the one where an elderly man has no family left and he stands outside a large two-storey home on Christmas Eve and watches with delight at the parents and kids inside. Enjoying it for himself, wishing for the days when he had shared in a similar joy.

Sam felt that same mixture of longing and pain that was sloughed off and smoothed by the image of two people he cared about tangled together in a double bed.

He blinked and turned away after what seemed to be a very long time, and made his way in the dark to his own bed. He settled down into it, as quiet as possible, and wondered how their lives would change.

* * *

**A/N: I hope you like the sex and love. It always makes me feel better when I get down :). Would love a review, if you've got time? Thanks.**


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